Old Age is Different than I Expected
“You have made it, Katharine, into the 1%,” my friend told me the other day. She wasn’t telling me I was among the country’s richest, but that I am now in the oldest 1% of people in the entire world. In the United States, only 4.7% of people are over 90. Much to ponder right there. While people in their nineties may not know these statistics, we know we are lucky.
I expected to face new challenges in my nineties, and I have. However, what has truly surprised me is the unexpected number of joys, some new, I am experiencing. I want to share with all of you, dear readers, a sense of what the touch and feel of my life is like today — this ongoing stream of joys and challenges.
The Joy of More Being
I still have a To-Do list, but I have only one list, and it is shorter nowadays. In the past, I always focused on doing — looking after my family, friends, co-workers, and clients — and trying to be successful in all aspects of my work. This agenda kept me busy, always busy. At 90, I try to take on only a few responsibilities: writing my monthly blog, serving on a few committees at my retirement community, and staying in touch with my friends and family. This is the right amount of doing for 90-year-old-me.
Other ninety-somethings report similar re-balancing. One man explained, “I still keep my brain busy, but I am happy not to have much to do. I enjoy just kind of riding along.” A woman who manages a tutoring program told me, “At 93, I still want to be of use and have purposeful things to do. I feel lucky that I have a project that is possible for me and keeps me really involved.”
Challenging Health Issues
As some of you know, in the six months since I turned ninety, I had a second bout of COVID-19 and fell twice in my own apartment. I keep wondering if this is how my life is going to be? However, I am quite healthy right now. I have occasional nights when I can’t get to sleep and I notice I have less energy than I used to.
I’ve observed that the days of most ninety-somethings are filled with scheduling and attending appointments concerning our health. For example, in the last six months, I have seen my PCP, a dermatologist, a hearing specialist, an ophthalmologist, and an orthopedist. This is the new normal.
At Peace with the Past
Like most of us who are over 90, I have few regrets. I no longer regret that I took so few science and economics courses or that I never lived abroad. I am truly grateful for my family and the life I have lived. This sense of gratitude is relatively new for me.
Throughout my life, there were many conflicts between my older sister and me. I always felt she was critical of me and my choices. Even though she died ten years ago, during this last year, I began to reflect on the difficult circumstances she faced. As a result, I could let go of my resentment and forgive her. I’ve come to understand that forgiveness doesn’t have to involve both parties. And now I feel relieved of a burden.
Forgetfulness, Technology Problems, and Losing My Grip
This week I completely forgot about my writers’ group weekly meeting. This kind of forgetting happens to me more often now. I plan to set an alarm for my meetings, but, ironically, I forget to do that as well. When I learn something new on my phone or computer, often a few days later my understanding has gone with the wind. Another frustration. Sometimes, I forget to save a document and I lose all my work. Additionally, my hands don’t work like they used to. For instance, one morning, two glasses had slipped out of my hands and were broken before the end of breakfast. It takes me longer to open packages, too. In fact, everything takes me a little longer.
More Self-Compassion
A newfound joy is my increased compassion for my many imperfections, including my memory lapses. I rarely lecture myself or engage in negative self-talk, as we psychologists call it. Instead, I try to treat myself with the same kindness I would offer to a friend.
I remind myself that mindfulness is the key to aging well. I highly recommend Ellen Langer’s classic book entitled Mindfulness. It focuses on being aware and present in the moment. It changed my life and my attitude about aging.
Loss of Spouses, Family, and Friends
The biggest challenge for ninety-year-olds is coping with the loss of so many family members and friends. I lost my husband of 59 years ten years ago, and more recently, my partner of five years. I’ve also lost many wonderful friends.
Like most ninety-somethings, I have learned how to mourn and then how to keep going after a loss. We live with constant reminders that life doesn’t last forever. From time to time, we realize that it’s time to address our own end-of-life issues. Unfortunately, too many of us procrastinate on this important matter. I will share more on both these topics, grief and end-of-life issues, in a future blog.
The Surprise and Joy of Being Content
A surprising joy for me in my 90s is that I feel content almost all of the time. The critical judge within me seems to be working fewer hours, allowing me to enjoy myself more often. I no longer find myself wishing I were somewhere else or wishing I was with some other people. I am enjoying my ordinary activities like sipping my morning coffee and attending an exercise class. One ninety-somethings I talked with recently shared, “I love waking up each morning and I feel grateful that I am still here.” Another person mentioned that one of her daily pleasures is going to bed at night — just getting into her warm and cozy bed. I feel the same way.
I want to conclude with a quote from a recent letter in the New York Times that succinctly sums up an imperative for all of us at any age:
“Be who you are and do what you can.”
Katherine Bragdon here. Such a beautiful read. Sending love from one Katherine to another Katharine. From one coast to the other. From the island to the mainland. From one generation to another. I've been thinking about aging quite a bit with Dad just turning 89, mom about to turn 87, and working for a new organization called Grandmothers for Gun Responsibility, marveling at our CEO who decided to start this national organization in her late 70s. Katharine, you are a gem and an inspiration. With much love and admiration. Hugs.
Hello Katharine. I'm just finishing your book Eightysomethings and have enjoyed it immensely. I will join that age group in a couple of days. Having enjoyed your book, I was delighted to find a link to this blog in my inbox today. Congratulations on reaching 90! I hope to be there in another decade. Some longevity calculators say I may live to 91 or even a little beyond. We'll see. The important thing, as you say, is being mindful, which I interpret as being present in the moment, aware of what's going on in and around me. I've enjoyed your writing since I discovered you on Medium. I'm glad that you continue to write and share your thoughts and experience…
I believe neither the past retains the truth nor the future is truly foreseeable from the present. It is the present what counts to make us feel alive. Instead of spending my time in undirectional attention doing sudokus, puzzles, solitaires or mahjonggs I force myself to daily write an account of my daily activities and what goes on in my mind. I do one page in two WhatsApp sections. Everytime intrusive thoughts from the past attempt to transgress, my purpose I stop. I cast them away and refocus on the present. On average, 5-6 recipients make cooments and open up topics for a positive dialogue.
I turned 80 last week and oh, how I love saying, "I'm 80." I'm looking at this decade with curiosity. I love exercising and eating a predominantly whole food diet. I cook dinner for my family once a week - sometimes 8, sometimes 15, depending on other commitments. As my husband gets older, he's 82, I see myself in a greater caretaker role. He chooses not to eat vegetables, legumes. He chooses to sit and watch TV during the day. Finding the joy in movement, in caring for myself, in honoring myself, has been a journey. Life is a process, not a destination.
Thank you, Katherine, for giving me a space to reflect. Wishing you the best..
It's gratifying to read the thoughts of an older person (I am only 84) and know that you share many of the same observations: how medical appointments have become a major part of senior life, the joy of climbing into a comfortable and familiar bed; waking alive and happy to know it; keeping a short to-do list (I do three, ) and not caring if I complete, and so many others. There is, indeed, comfort in knowing we are not alone!